


All of Me

by silasfinch



Series: A Canadian Family [3]
Category: Saving Hope (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Family Drama, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Loss of Faith
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-29
Updated: 2018-12-29
Packaged: 2019-09-29 17:14:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17207567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silasfinch/pseuds/silasfinch
Summary: Future Fic: A daughter's perspective on a parent's illness.





	All of Me

**Author's Note:**

  * For [0mniessence](https://archiveofourown.org/users/0mniessence/gifts).



 

My wish for you  
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to  
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small  
You never need to carry more than you can hold  
And while you’re out there gettin’ where you’re gettin’ to  
I hope you know somebody loves you  
And wants the same things too  
Yeah, this is my wish

I hope you never look back but you never forget  
All the ones who love you  
And the place you left  
I hope you always forgive and you never regret

 **Her parents** are devoted to each other.

This fact is one of the bedrocks of Eliana Katz-Lin life and features of her childhood. When other kids were existing between houses in all manner of custody arrangements she was helping her parents plan surprises for each other. Sometimes these were for everyday occasions such as birthdays others were moments unique to the Katz-Lin household.

At various points in her 21 years, this great love has alternatively enchanted, exacerbated and annoyed her. There is no point wishing for 'normal' parents, being the child of two famous (lesbian) surgeons in a mixed-faith household meant that regular was never an option or especially desirable. It merely said that the teasing in her exclusive Jewish high school had a particular edge to it at times, especially when politics in Israeli began to destabilise under collective peace movements.

Her parents' devotion is also why the prospect of having something happen to either of them is doubly terrifying. Eli is sitting beside her Mum and Mumma as they conferred quietly with the specialist, asking something about margin limits and treatment planning. The medical language goes over her trainee architect mind, but the implications are daunting. If she asks her parents will explain the realities in detail, but this isn't what their daughter wants the most. Eli wishes that Aaron, her closest friend and cousin wasn't still doing his undergraduate degree in Japan, the time difference is aggravating at times even though Aunt Becca and Uncle Samual mean almost as much to her.

The silence that descends when the neurologist steps out is heavy.

"There is still time for me to call in the team from Mount Sieni." Sydney whispers harshly "What is the point of being a Havard Alumni if not for times like this?"

" Sydney you are not convening an entire medical congress over some vague and imprecise symptoms, not when perfectly capable Canadian talent is our disposal." Maggie reasons wearily this is an old argument.

  
It occurs to Eliana at that moment; her mum has no idea how many doctors Mumma is willing to wake up and charter to Canada if it means faster results, the top doctors in Canada family friends after all. Dr Sydney Katz-Lin does not cope well with uncertainty especially when it comes to her beloved family. Eliana grew up secure in many things but few more so than the knowledge Sydney Katz fought her to reconcile her faith and family.

"My family is a miracle that I never expected to experience therefore I honour and treasure my wife and daughter each day." is a quote from one of her lectures on Modern Judaism.

The words are beautiful but also haunting when they are confronted with the mortality of miracles. The possibility of death is second nature to doctors but its still frightening when the symptoms happen so suddenly and without visible warning. Both Eli's parents are diligent about getting regular checkups and screening for age-related conditions. This illness creeps into their lives in a series of easily overlooked complaints.

  
The term vague is overgenerous, the symptoms were only ambiguous if you haven't spent a lifetime in medicine, Eli knew this much from how much time her Mumma was taking off and the patient rescheduling this entails. Equally, though diagnostics was a world away from the TV shows, there were tests followed by referrals and the same cycles. The more immediate concerns were ruled out first with bloodwork and scans. However, that still left some pretty frightening prospects to go.

Eli is a child of the 21st, and the first thing she did is start Googling, her parents warn her against it, claiming there is nothing to find, but it offers something to do on the long flight back home. Internet symptom searches are vague but not of the options that appear are mild not when connected to how tired her mum felt in last month or so. For the last part of the journey, Eli makes a conscious effort to read from the Torah App instead.

The seven sice she arrived were crawling by alternating between worry, boredom and trying to comfort both her parents. The only special treatment Maggie Katz- Lin allows a private waiting room and the right to direct results as she taught some of these specialists before.

There is some truth to the conventional wisdom that says doctors make the worst patients. However, Eli thinks that doctors make the worst family members on the sidelines. It is taking Mumma superhuman levels of control not to yell at the unfortunate intern sent to draw the next round of bloodwork. The errand her sick parent sends them on is most likely a ruse, the pastitsio icecream across the other side of town isn't that great.

 

  
 **Her parents** should have produced a soccer team of children.

Their entire professional lives revolve around bringing children into the world and helping them bet the medical odds. However, this goes beyond a straightforward career both her mothers spent their free time volunteering at clinics for families in crisis. The notion of service is an integral part of the Jewish faith, especially in the Reformist traditional but Eli's family embodies this on multiple levels. Eli was as familiar with remote clinics as she was with her childhood homes.

Aunt Alex often jokes that Sydney and Maggie will be reading ultrasounds by torchlight into their eighties.

There is never a clear answer as to why she is their only child. Plenty of people ask over the years, but her parents usually say that the circumstances were never right. Depending on the intimacy of the questioner they will hear the stories of health problems and failed adoptions. Her status as an only child never bothers Eli, not when she has plenty of agemates and friends.

Their family unit of three is close and do plenty of things together. Eliana travels all over the world and different cultures. Her parents balance each other out, and they support her in both her personal and professional dreams.

The stream of students become substitutes in a way, both of her parents and committed teachers in different ways. Her mum jokes that she owes everything to teaching, so she is paying forward. The pride they feel in their achievements isn't a source of jealousy for Eliana. PhD and research fellows are par for the course in their household.

She sometimes wonders about her sister that died long before her parents got together and the box that always moves with them from house to house. It would be nice to have another person in the waiting room with them that is reserved for immediate family only due to limited space and multiple patients. The external network that makes up their family and close friend counts for a lot but not enough at this moment.

There is nobody else to hear the test results and scan faces for a subtle reaction or check-in with to see if the course of action is the right one.

"Can I do anything to help, Mum? I've recorded all the episodes of that medical soup you pretend not to love" Eliana offers as they settle in the lounge.

"Why don't you work on the Spring Portfolio? I know the due dates aren't that far away. You tell me about that sustainable titling idea that has your lecturer so excited. Your Mumma will be back with dinner then we can watch TV together."

The tiredness in the offer makes it unlikely that the three of them will be awake for Pad Thi, but Eli dutifully moves to retrieve her sketchpad. Both her parents delight in the field of architecture even if they are baffled by the technicalities. Eliana hopes to one day design them that holiday place with the pool and giant library.

She fears that she may not have decades to make this dream a reality. 

Aunt Alex is on her way, but she cannot be here for every test not with the expanding caseload and exams the next day. Alex will argue the technicalities of kinship later. If anybody can keep up with Mumma's franatic pace and planning it is Aunt Alex.

 

 **Her parents** define how mixed faith relationships should work.

There is plenty of speculation in the media and online about what it means to have spouses with such different backgrounds. The assumption is that one person needs to compromise to make the relationship work long term. It's undoubtedly one of the reasons that the relationship with the Katz family is still strained and occasional tension flares up. Her Mumma disputes this outlook fiercely, saying that faith is an individual journey and her wife is her biggest ally both in how she practices her religion and how she raises their Jewish daughter.

Eli cannot remember a Jewish ceremony where her other parent was not front and centre at, taking far too many photos. Her other mother did not convert in practice, but she did in every way that matters. One of her first A+ at University was a personal essay talking about the dynamic that their family achieves and the grey area of conversion in the time of fanaticism. Her Mumma insists on framing the article in the home office.

Eliana finds comfort in praying at a time like this, and she goes to Temple every day after school, often slipping into the booth alongside a family member. Her Mumma is her frequent companion, often holding her hand and crying silently. Faith means the most when times are uncertain, the words in Hebrew as a balm to the soul. Uncle Samual is training to be a Rabbi and frequently leads the private family prayer circles.

The temple is one of the few places her Mumma is still for any length of time listening to her brother - in law intensely and whispering the words by route. Aunt Rebecca was very sick before Eli was born and the whole situation is bringing up bad memories for the Katz family.

Eli has a distant relationship with her extended Katz relatives who still follow the Orthodox scripture closely. However, her grandparents do turn up for birthdays and Jewish milestones with gifts and congratulations. Eli hugs them tightly when they join a temple service. Her normally formable mother seems to shrink as she leans against her father. The frail man looks startled, but he rocks her gently.

"Thank you for coming" Eliana whispers in Hebrew to the tiny woman who barely reaches her shoulder.

"God will light the path and ease the suffering" her grandmother responded with conviction, but she strokes Eli's hair with tender if trembling fingers.

  
One aspect that Maggie will not yield on is that she will not pray with them, claiming that doing so is disrespectful. Nobody has the energy to debate the finer points of religious respect. This separation is a compromise that her parents reach long before her adoption.

Her absence feels heavy at this time when they need her most.

 

 **Her parents** are far from perfect, but they surround her with love and acceptance.

There is an old joke that says liberal parents are the hardest to rebel against because they are impossible to scandalise or alienate. The cliche holds in the case of Sydney and Maggie Katz-Lin They both speak freely of the difficulties in their respective childhoods around rules and repression. There were few rules in their household, but a few key points were not negotiable.

One of those is that commitments to the family are sacred, Grandma and Grandpa Lin left impressions on their twins on this point, and it took years of therapy to undo the damage. Eli hasn't missed a single family birthday in her entire life; they even had a party in the hospital when Rebecca develops pneumonia.

This belief system is a large part of the reason an exhausted Dr Maggie Katz - Lin is sitting with her goddaughter editing her premed test scores. No amount of persuasion on the part of either Alex or Charlie swayed her resolve.

Her exact words were "I will stab the next person who tells me to rest or take it easy. I'm a specialist resting isn't in my nature. Besides marking isn't exactly the hardest part of my job description."

Eli still tags along to drive mum home and to make sure she does not tax herself too much out of sheer stubbornness if nothing else. The problem with doctors as patients is that they are acomtemed to functioning on little no sleep and a =medley of physical complaints.

Emily Reid Harris is her cousin in all but name, and the two girls were close growing up, even if Emily took a more rebellious path before finding some balance. Aunt Alex freely admits she is not a natural mother and relied heavily on her friends in the early years. Emily lived with them for a few months when tensions got especially bad.

"How are you doing, Eliana," Emily asks as they work to prepare a light meal.

"The test results are all negative so far."

In truth, this is a hollow comfort because the benefit of confirmed diagnosis is some knowledge of what is going to happen and possible treatment options. Medical mysteries make for good TV drama but little else.

As they bring the plates into the living room, they find Maggie asleep at the table mid-sentence. Emily reaches for a thick quilt and Eliana texts her mother that they will stay over tonight.

It is a sign of this new reality that her mum doesn't even protest when Emily gently moves her to the big couch on the other side of the room. Many doctors have crashed out on it before. They two girls are worried that Eli's mother will be too dizzy to make it up the stairs.

 

 

  
 **Her parents** are a difficult pair to live up to even if she consciously stays away from the field of medicine.

A fundamental aspect of the Jewish faith is honouring your family and the legacy they provide. Eliana is confident that her parents are proud of her, they demonstrate this in different ways continually. The Katz side of the family did not set a good example, so Sydney and Rebecca both work hard to strike a balance between devout and flexible with their children, even if they aren't always comfortable doing so in daily life.

Her parents are pillars in the field of foetal medicine, but their influence reaches well beyond the comparatively narrow speciality. The work as advocates means that there is an entire network of grateful patients from all over the world. Her 16th birthday is in Norway because of the Katz -Lin Procedure for foetal stabilisation is winning a prestigious prize. The handsome prince of the country dances with her, much to the envy of her friends. The textbook they produce together (joking referred to as their second child) is mandatory reading for new graduates in the field.

It is sometimes difficult to remember just how human even the most towering figures can be when given the right triggers. Eli is mindless working on a new model for her term portfolio when she hears a loud crash and a string of Jewish curses. She races down the stairs calling for either parent, temporarily forgetting that her mum was out with Uncle Declan.

"We are going to watch movies and eat our weight in Chinese food" her uncle proclaims as he ushers his sister out the door with forced cheerfulness.

The scene before her tore at Eliana's gut and stopped her forward moment.

Her biological father known to almost everybody in the family, including her as 'Cousin Jerry' is cradling his distressed relative murmuring words of comfort too softly to overhear. There are the remains of a delicate severing dish across the other side of the kitchen.

The news is theoretically sound, the last rounds of tests were negative. There is no sign of the myelin decay or inflammation they were looking for this time, and the new meds seem to be working. However, this doesn't make the pain of waiting anymore bearable.

  
Jerry glances at her and smiles sadly, knowing how difficult this is one everybody in the house. Sydney is crying, but she makes no move to get off the floor as if her energy is done for the day, a strange reality for a tireless doctor. Jerry pulls her up and retrieves the shattered glass before pushing his cousin back to the dining room.

"I'll clean this up and bring through some hot chocolate; I brought some extra marshmallows from that deli you like. Its kosher jus like Grandma uses to make without the curses and superstitions."

For some reason, Eliana keeps reciting a passage from literature class about the expectations. She smiles when Jerry silently offers her a cup of his famous cure-all drink. There is a strong family resemblance in their efforts to be practical in times of crisis. She is proud to have these people supporting her family.

" _Any life he'd ever heard of, his own included, was burdened with emotions – love, loss, jobs, jealousy, money, death, pain. But if you were Jewish, always there was this extra one, the added pull at your endurance, the one more thing. There was that line in Thoreau about ‘quiet desperation’ – that was indeed true of most men. But for some men and women, for some fathers and mothers and children, the world still contrived that one extra test, endless and unrelenting."_

 

 

 

 


End file.
